Oh, 2009.

I'm so sorry.. for you.

I can't help but feel sorry for you.

I never realized how desperate you were (still are). I know you too well to know that you'd do that stupid move of yours.

I finally came up with the darnest explanation for your actions.

You CANNOT be alone. You've never ever even spent a Christmas alone.

Maybe, it's a sickness now. Please, get yourself checked up.

Fool.

Maybe I should stop believing that it would be so magical when I go home.

For all this time, I have been fooling myself into thinking that we had made so much of an impact at each other's lives, something extraordinary would happen when we see each other again.

No, we're not Noah and Allie from the Notebook. We're not some characters cookie-cut from a perfect-ending movie.

We're just me and you. Two people who fell in love in high school and got over it.

We're not special. We're ordinary.

It's going to be as bland as yogurt the next time we see each other. I hope it's gonna be.

I don't want to end up like her, who waited 2 years for us to break up, to be with you again.

I want to move on.

I want to be able to look you in the eye and know that I don't want to kiss you. I want to be able to look you in the eye and know that I don't want you to feel my love.

And oh, it still won't change a thing. I still don't think we can be friends anymore.

Tanga ka, gago.

2 days ago, I heard the most awful news. It crushed me, killed me and made me cry buckets and buckets of tears.

It was finally, FINALLY, confirmed.

I am very, very disappointed in you. I wish I could tell that straight to your face. The decisions you made were far more than stupid, and it is finally safe to say that I do not know you anymore. It's very disgusting. What a hypocrite, you are. Seriously, I do not know whether to feel angry or sorry for you. You could excuse yourself with a million reasons but I seriously have all the defenses in the world. It's not bitterness anymore. I feel so.. I don't know. I just want to smack you in the head and grieve for you for the decisions you've clearly made.

I mean, seriously. Her? You came up with the most awful words for her. You despised her. You hated her so much, you banned her from both our lives. You told me that it was impossible for you to love her again. You told me how awful her friends were. You knew how much she hurt me and you even defended me for her. All this talk for what? Shit, how stupid you are. Are you that desperate for a proximal relationship? Did the other girl not love you back? Did you just need someone to kiss and hug and make love to? Because you couldn't convince me, in a million years, that tables have turned and you love her like no other. 10 months ago, you didn't even want to be in the same room as her. I guess love is synonymous to shallow for you.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. In whatever relationship you're in. It hurts for me, of course. Not mainly because you have another. Not because you clearly have moved on. But because you chose the one person who has hurt me so deeply, I cried myself to sleep for 2 months. You chose the one person, over me, who could give you the least love a person could give. You chose the girl who both broke our hearts before.

I'm so sorry. For you.

Oh dear.

Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. Hindi ko na kaya magrationalize. Ubos na lahat ng logic at reasoning ko sa kakafigure out kung pano tayo nakarating dito sa point na to.

Alam mo ba kung gano ko nilalabanan ang sarili ko araw araw para hindi ka itext? Ang hirap, okay. Kailangan kong panindigan yung desisyon na ginawa ko 7 months ago na hanggang ngayon hindi ko parin maintindihan. Sirang sira na yung diwa ko sa kakaintindi sa mga kasinungalingan na sinasabi ko sa sarili ko para lang kayanin ko ang bawa't araw.

Hindi ako magsisinungaling: hirap na hirap parin ako sa paglipas ng araw araw. Aaminin ko, ito yung taon na pinakamalala para sakin. 3/4 ng 12 months na 'to, mga araw na hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari o hindi ko matandaan kung may nangyari bang nakapagpasaya sakin ng husto. Oo, walong buwan na akong hindi masaya. Walong buwan na ako nagbubuhat ng basag na puso. Walong buwan na ako nabubuhay ng walang kainte-intention.

Akala ko noon, solb na ko sayo. Ikaw yung naging rason ng paggising ko sa umaga. Ikaw yung naging rason sa lahat ng ginawa ko. Ikaw yung naging rason kung bakit ako punong puno ng pagmamahal. Pero hindi e. Ninakaw mo sakin yung abilidad kong magmahal ng buong buo. Ninakawan mo ko ng pagmamahal: pagmamahal mo at pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko. Ninakawan mo ko ng tiwala: tiwalang wala ng mananakit pa sakin. Pano pa ako magmamahal ulit kung yung isang tao na pinagkatiwalaan ko ng lahat lahat, iniwan ako ng sobrang bilis di man lang siya nagsisi.

Di ko na talaga alam gagawin ko. Inubos mo ko. Wala ng natira sakin na kahit ano. Dignidad ko, pagmamahal ko, tiwala ko.. pati buhay ko wala na dahil sayo. Oo, hindi pa ko nakakapagsimula ulit. At di ko alam kung makakapagsimula pa ako ulit. Mahal na mahal parin kita. Wag mo akong itulad sayo na kayang kaya mawalan ng pagmamahal na kasing bilis ng jeep na humaharurot.

Tangina lang talaga. KAUSAPIN MO NA AKO AT BIGYAN MO NA KO NG CLOSURE. Please lang :(

Panaginip.

Tangina lang nung panaginip ko, okay?

Sarap lang kung pano natin hinanap yung "chicks" mo at ako pa nagtulak sayo sakanya. Sarap lang talaga. Sarap kung pano ko siya kinausap at sinabi ko pang "gusto ka daw niya makausap" ng para lang nagrereto ang ng bestfriend sa dreamboy niya. Shet na malupit lang. Alalang alala ko pa yung panaginip ko e. Duh, usually ganon naman basta ikaw ang involved e. Naalala ko yung mismong lugar, mismong salita at mismong facial expression. Pagdating sayo, bigla akong nagkakaphotographic memory e. Ang lupit! Daig mo pa sarili ko dahil napapadiscover mo ko ng mga hidden talents ko diyan na di ko naman alam na posible.

Alam mo kung ano yung pinakatumatak?

Niyakap kita ng sobrang higpit. Tas biglang hirit ng "shit, pag niyayakap kita, ayokong ayoko na talaga bumitaw."

Alala mo, ikaw nagsabi sakin non nuon?

SOBRANG PAGOD.

Ano ba. Kelan ba kasi mawawala ung sakit? Sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap na ako okay. Akala ko ba it all gets better in time? Eh parang mas lalo lang akong nahihirapan ngayon e. Pakiramdam ko it will only get worse.

Nakakapikon. Tuwing napapaisip ako, hindi ko maiwasan maramdaman kung gano kasakit. Pag cinombine mo lahat, parang yung secret special powers nila Son Goku sa Dragon Ball Z. Oo, ganon kalala. Parang hinahaduken ako ng paulit ulit tas wala man lang akong shield bubble para umiwas. Napakaunfair talaga.

Hindi okay kapag nagkakaanxiety attacks ka sa gitna ng gabi. Alam niyo ba yon? O habang naglalakad sa school. O habang naliligo. Yung wala kang control sa pagtalon ng puso mo sa labas ng sternum mo. Feeling mo hindi gumagana yung phrenic nerve mo kasi hindi nagcocontract yung diaphragm mo para makahinga ka ng maayos. Hindi okay kapag bigla nalang magiging sobrang masikip yung lugar kung nasan ka akala mo nagiging claustrophobic ka kahit nasa loob ka ng St. Paul gym. Lately wala ng ibang ginawa yung puso ko kundi pahirapan akong huminga. Parang naging masyado na siyang malaki para sa chest ko para magwala ng ganon.

Ang laking joke ng impact mo sakin. Seryoso lang, okay? 7 months na. As in halos isang buong school year na. Kung buntis ako, malapit na sana akong manganak. Iba na ang season. Iba na ang Presidente namin. Iba na ang school mo. Iba na ang cellphone ko. Ano ba, lahat na iba. Except yung nararamdaman ko. Ganon parin siya kalala eh. Para lang binabasa ko yung mga messages mo all over again tas nagugugulong ako sa sahig sa sobrang sakit. Ang.. grabe.

Matagal ko ng iniisip kung i need love lang para tigilan ko na yung hayop na yun e. Pero i could have had love if i needed it so badly. Yuck ang yabang ng dating. Hahaha pero yun na nga yon. Ako parin yung pumili na magpakaisa muna kasi ewan ko.. secretly, love mo parin yung gusto ko. Yuck ang desperado ng dating. Hahaha nyeta lang. Di ko na alam kung anong solusyon ko sa problema kong ito. Parang kailangan ko na yata sumulat sa maalala mo kaya; baka sila, kaya nilang bigyan ng closure yung kwento kong kasing boring ng GMIK nung patapos na yung series na yon.

Utang na loob lang, pwede bang ibigay mo na yung closure na binibigay ko? Malamang hindi ko yon makukuha kasi ganon ka e. Kung binigay mo sakin yun noon, baka sakaling nakakatulong pa sakin yon ngayon. Pansin mo? Para kang yung isa kong skirt e. Walang kaclosure closure.

Oh well papel, napakalabo ko. Para akong tumira ng tawas sa mga pinagsasasabi ko. Anyway, to make the story short, stuck parin ako. Okay? Lately, gumagana nanaman yung lacrimal gland ko para magproduce ng tears papunta sa nasal cavity ko. Nyeta nyeta nyeta ka, sana naman kasi maging kasing linaw ka ng mga mata ni Kuya kapag nakasalamin siya.

Okay lang kahit hindi mo ko pinaglaban e. Pota, siyempre hindi okay yon. Pero ano, kasi.. ang gusto ko lang sabihin.. ewan. Bahala na si Batman.

Can I cry now?

It's crazy how I've been too indifferent on love. I talk about it and I see how completely different my views are compared to 7 months ago. Love became such an impossibility for me, something I cannot talk so passionately about.

Witnessing the breakup of my brother, I cannot help but feel two things. I felt relief and envy, contradicting each other so weirdly. I felt relief because somehow, I knew how breaking up feels and I knew that the worse was over for him. Relief for the quiet nights, more carefree days and silent in betweens to come. Envy because I saw how she fought for him, begged him to take her back and cried her eyes out. Envy because I was never fought for, begged for or cried for. Envy because I was the one who fought, begged and cried.

Giving advice to my brother was the most difficult part. Being impassive, the words that came out of my mouth were straight out harsh. I did not think twice in saying the worst things, subconsciously convincing myself that everyone deserves to go through what I've been through. I know, how awful. I want to take it back now that I've thought about it. I realize now how broken I am. I realize how much you've broken me.

I know that I don't deserve you.

Sometimes, I wonder if you think about me.

Because I think about you all the time.

I hope you don't assume that I've replaced you for another. All this time, it's been just you. No one knows it. No one sees it.

But me.

Sunday extravaganza.

I don't care if I'm jinxing it because i'm writing about it. I don't care if it was strictly platonic for you. I don't care if that will happen again in another lifetime. I don't care about anything at all.

You pulled through.

Hugging you for what seemed liked eternity was enough to make me forget. I love it :)

I wanna have groupies.

Why I am suddenly so interested in you again? Amp. I haaaaaaate these times.

There are days when I forget you exist, and I swear those are my better days. Like when I went to Knott's scary farm or when I shop, I forget about the past two years and I just feel so.. carefree. I just can't tell you how great it feels. Sometimes I wish I could just live like that. If there was selective amnesia, I would want to forget you. Yes, regret is bad and evil and mean and stupid and impossible. But regret is all I have for what had been.

Why regret? I don't know. I could feel thankful, or forgiving, or resolved. But I do not. Instead I feel like every single drop of love I have in my heart has been sucked up by a ginormous vacuum that left nothing. I cannot love, and I cannot receive love. It's like I have been walking the ends of the earth in a state that makes me naive with the world. Most days, I just try to get up from sun up to sun down. Believe me, it is not the easiest task in the world.

Regret because I have invested in so much, only to have walked away with less than nothing. Regret because I loved, believed, honored and held on with dear life, only to have found out that everything was a fallacy. Regret because I fought for you till the end, only to realize that never have you fought for me. Regret because I wanted you to be the person I would spend my life with, only to see that it was, and never will be, meant to be for us.

People say "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." This, I believe, is too much of optimism for people who have just lost their hearts. Bitter as it may sound, I don't think I can ever smile because it happenED. I would want to smile because it is happening. There's a big difference in being in the moment and seeing it as part of a distant past. How could you smile when you know that never will you wake up with that one person you have been with all those years?

You can love again, I know. Every kind of love is different. That's what you told me right? That every experience we have with love is as unique as our DNA. I am still debating whether you love more or less on your next experience. Are you brave enough to invest more or scared enough to play it safe? All I know is that there are the kinds of love that you can never forget. The kind of love that would become the standard you set for all the other relationships in the future. The kind of love you lost, and wish you'll always find again.

It is my personal choice not to love again so soon. I could if I wanted to. At first, it was all about the 3-month rule. Stupid as it may seem, I waited. I didn't know what I was waiting for, but I checked my phone, my mail, my IM and my website. Now, it's been 6 months. I am still choosing not to love again because I believe that my wounds are not yet healed. I am still hurt, apprehensive and skeptic about falling in love again. I'm okay with being alone, actually. I am not in a rush in falling in love again. Neither am I in the mood in getting my heart broken again. I believe that love will come at the right time, when I am healed and bright and shiny.

Anyway, this is too much of an entry already. I only wanted to figure out why I was so interested in finding things about you. Happy 28th monthsary, baby.

Ha-ha?

At least, sa pangit ka napunta.

Hef.

Sometimes I wish you knew that I still love you.

Not that it'll make a difference. Not that it'll make you come back.

I just want you to know, and feel, it.

Over.

Hindi parin ako makaget over, sorry.

2 years ago, I was sitting exactly where I was a while ago. We were texting and we were the happiest persons in the world. I was drinking my glass of coke when you told me you wanted to marry me. I was bragging to all my mom's friends how I was committed to someone and how I was so sure that this long distance relationship was not a wrong choice. I was happy. And it never slipped into my mind even for a second that I would be sitting again on that same chair 2 years later all alone.

I can't believe you chose her. It's as simple as that. You promised me, before we parted ways, that you would never choose her. You even told me, I'd go first in your list before she would. You just.. you sank too low. Sobrang baba mo na, hindi na kita maabot. Can't you live without a relationship? Na pumatol ka pa sakanya just to be loved? Wow. You epitomize the phrase "How low can you go?".

You don't make me sleep, damnit. I hate this. I think about you for a minute and then my whole world falls apart and I cannot fucking sleep.

Vent.

I will vent. Because that's the only thing I can do right now.

I can cry, but I have done that in the earliest of mornings and in the latest of nights. I cry for the love lost, and for the decisions made, and for the sadness in the form of my life. I cry because there are days when you don't have anything more to say, and all the tears become the outlet you finally need. I cry because that was the only option I have.

I wonder when will this end. I, myself, am sick and tired of crying from you, suffering from you, hurting from you. I am tired of the pain, the disappointment, the surprises, the ruse, everything. It has exactly been 6 months. You have moved on, but I have not. I am here, everything is the same.

In all honesty, I say that I want you to come back. This, though, remains in my heart of hearts. I have the highest pride and I will not let her win. I will not let her feel superior of me. I will not let her feel that she has something that I want, even though it is true. What would hurt more from this joke of a situation is if she wins and I lose. You chose her, and by that it meant removing me from your life forever.

Forever. Wow. How.. distant has this word been from me recently. I do not speak of it. I do not think of it. I do not even want to hear it. For 2 years all we have been talking about is creating this life for us that we were so excited to live. All I heard from you was "I love you forever", "I want to be with you forever", "Marry me", "Stay with me forever". All our fights drowned in my ears whenever I heard the word forever. Who knew forever had an end?

My family loved you. So much that they made you family too. Even though papa was apprehensive and disapproving of us, he cared less when he saw me happy. Mama loved you. She talked to you on the phone, bought you things, showed up on the webcam, everything. I could not even start talking about how much Kuya and Igi loved you. Kuya talked to you when we fought, brought you home sometimes, brought you food when you were at home. Luigi talked to you on the phone, ate merienda with us, laughed with us, played with us. And all my relatives. They invited you to their birthday parties, talked to you when you were at home, treated you out when you were with me, bought you a birthday cake, said hi to you whenever they saw you. And Archie. Who texted you even after I left. Who always went out of his way for us. Who loved you like he loved me. And of course Christle, our baby. How could you leave a family who loved you so much? You were even welcome after I left. And how Yaya loved you that she taught your name to Christle even if we aren't together anymore. Yes, Christle still knows your name. Even better than mine.

This is what I cry about. More than the fact that you left me. More than the fact that I am alone. More than the fact that you're with her. I cry because you have become family. I cry because you have become the biggest part of my life. And with you gone, I have a few pieces to work with to make myself whole again.

I do not know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just trying to make sense of things that I know I can never understand.

I.. I love you, bu. So much more than anything.

Day 19.

Ngayon ko lang narerealize how wrecked our relationship was even before we broke up.

It.. it really hurt reading all our messages sa YM. I cried while I read how we fought and fought and fought and broke up every single day. I have to admit that there were really a lot of painful things said and I don't know how we could ever take that back now. We were.. immature and stupid and we just wanted to hurt each other. It came to the point where I could not continue to read anymore. It was disgusting and I sincerely wished that those words never came out of my mouth.

Yet, this event also made me realize how you made the right decision about breaking up with me. You were strong enough to end it because you knew how damaging it already was to the both of us. I was blinded by my love for you that I could not see how worse we were because we keep on holding on. We would've never made it. I, in my heart of hearts, now believe that we would've never made it.

Knowing all of this, i still could not let go. I don't know why. And I don't know if I shouldn't. But i just couldn't let go.

I still love you. Despite everything that i said to you 6 months ago, I still love you with all of my heart.

Day 17.

I stopped. For 2 whole weeks, I stopped writing.

Because I do not know what to say anymore. I do not know what more I could possibly say to try to justify the pain of you leaving me. I am tired and I am done.

Yet somehow, I still am not tired of loving you.

I do not know now where to go from here. I am a lost cause. I have been fighting my head and my heart because I know I only want one place to go. I thought before, my reasoning could triumph my emotions. But I have no more reason and no more emotion. I am apathetic. Drained. Empty. I am lead on by nothing.

Yes, I know. I gave up on you. Do you want to know the reason? More than being tired of getting hurt, I gave up because I do not want to hurt you anymore. I know in my heart that I could take all the pain you give me. That if it were my way, I would sacrifice my happiness just to fight for you. But when I felt that it has caused you pain too, I stopped right there and then. I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't want to hurt you.

I made it clear that you live as though I never existed. Because I do not want to hurt you. Do you think that it's easy for me? Do you think that I want this? I have been struggling so hard just to stop myself from talking to you. I know that you do not care about me anymore. I know that. I just.. I just do not want to remind you of the pain I caused you when we were together.

I surrender. Okay? I surrender now to the fact that you're gone. You don't love me anymore. You don't care for me. And you don't look for me. I surrender to the fact that you love someone new. However, I will always know deep in my heart that the person who came after me will catch the pieces of a real, deep relationship. She could say that I was a rebound too. I, however, came after a fling. She came after an engagement. A "let's pick our future house-kids-kid's school" relationship. It was not just a simple fling. She came after eternity.

I miss you too much lately. Today was supposed to be our 27th month together. It seems that I dream about you when important events come up. I dreamed about you days before the anniversary of me coming back for you, days before our 27th month, days before my birthday came up. I dreamed about you for so many days that I anticipate it. I think about what I'll dream about you now. 2 days ago, I dreamed our highschool days together. Yesterday it was about you kissing her. My dreams have a current theme though: pain. I was never happy in any of my dreams. So it came to no surprise that my pillowcases are wet when I wake up in the morning.

I am not yet over you. But I am trying my best to pretend. I am trying my best to try. I do not know if this ever goes away. All that I know is I am trying.

You have this whole different world now. Everything is different, and it seems that you have completely gotten over me. You have this life that I could not recognize anymore. I see you in pictures and I could not recognize the person I am looking at. I want to say I wish you well. Yet, I am saying I wish you your heart's desires. Sometimes, what your heart wants is not what is well for you.

I wish that one day, when we see each other again in some distant future, you would feel that you made the right decision ending us. Because I am scared as shit knowing that I'll feel disappointed when I see you. Disappointed that we ended for the wrong reasons. And there's nothing we can do about it anymore.

Day 3.

Damn it. I fell asleep through Day 3.

Mother Nature has decided to conspire against me today and showcased a marathon of the movies that we have watched together. 2 out of 4. So 50%, right? Anyway, it took me a little while to realize the first movie I was watching. I hate that the memory of us has become a distant part of my past now. Yet, somehow, the pain still manages to creep its way up so strongly into my heart.

I remember watching movies with you. You would usually hold my hand all throughout the movie and kiss it occasionally. When I was cold, you'd hug me or pull me near you so that you could put your arm around my shoulder. We occasionally stole kisses and focused more on each other rather than the movie. We would always whisper those mushy lines to each other or have sudden impulses of whispering 'I love you' to our ears then kissing right after. After the movie, I could not remember the plot, nor the characters. I could only remember the best time of my life because I was watching it with you.

The first time you told me you were watching a movie with her, I was wretched. I don't know why but I feel that movie houses were aphrodisiacs that people go into when they wanted to make out. It took me forever to calm myself by saying that we're not together anymore and that I didn't have the right anymore to stop you from anything. But it was heart-wrenching. It was too painful to breathe while I knew you were inside the movie house. I wanted my heart to just stop for the hour and a half that you were beside her in the dark. I just.. my imagination went wild for that hour and a half. Up until now, the images are so vivid in my head that I well up just thinking about it.

I don't know a lot about what used to be for us anymore. But when it comes to pain, I feel like I can describe it so concretely that it was as if the wound was still so fresh. That is how much you've put me through. Every curse towards me, every hurtful word, every single time you said you don't love me anymore, my heart stopped. You dried up my heart so bad that when I left to mend, I do not know where to start anymore. I am so traumatized and so scared to love again because you had me see that even those people who love each other the most can learn to hurt each other in the worst possible way that they can. This is all your fault. Thanks to you, I did not want to love again. Even if there was the potential for me to love, I chose not to. I let it go. Because I am not yet done with hurting from you. And I am so freaking scared to add pain from the hurt I am feeling now.

PS. Every time I watch a movie, I try my best to sit at the end of the row. Just because there are times when I still imagine you beside me, holding my hand.

Day 2.

I have a million things to do but I'm not rushing. Why have i been this lazy?

This is what I hate the most. Dreaming of you. Dreaming about you. I hate it because I have no control of it. Do you know that I have not seen your face ever since we broke up? Not while I'm awake, at least. I have not visited your multiply, nor your friends' multiply, because I am so scared to fall in love with you all over again if I see you. But sometimes when I sleep, your beautiful face haunts me as you talk to me, or pass by me, or just show up in my face and shatter my world once agan. As Blink 182 sang, you have become "the angel from my nightmare". I do not want to see you in my dreams yet you have never failed to glow and stand out in every scene you are in. Sometimes, you ask me back. Sometimes, you push me farther away. But it didn't matter. Just seeing you makes me wake up crying and hurting again.

The wierdest thing, though, is that you have never been another character in my dreams. It was always between the two: the one that I love or the one that left me. You have never been a friend, or a classmate, or a sibling, or an enemy. Just that. Most of the time, you are the one that left me. The words we exchanged in our conversations replay in my dreams over and over and over again, I could almost memorize it. It just gets so unfair, you know? It seems I cannot really escape you. Not even in fantasyland.

If only I could not sleep so I could not dream of you. Yes, it's that bad.

My psychology teacher said that dreams are an interpretation of our unwanted desires. Am I fooling myself of this closure because my real desire is you? I don't know.

I wish there'd come a time where you'd be my friend in my dreams. Maybe that would signal my getting over you.

Day 1.

I think this would be harder than i thought it would be.

Grabe, everything feels so connected to you. It seems like everything I glance at points to you, or something about you. I cannot escape you, even if I want to. It has been five freaking months and all I'm left with are anxiety attacks that remind me that you still make my heart skip a beat. Though this time, not in a good way.

I want to forget you, I really do. It's just that I don't know how. Please, do not start with telling me that I should try because believe me, I have tried so hard to forget you. In fact, it's the only thing I have tried so hard to do in five months. I tried to love someone else, I tried to entertain and date others, I even tried to convince myself that I am okay without you. But me trying is not good enough. It's not cutting it. Trying can only get me so far. But the farthest I have gone has not even helped a bit for me to get over you.

Am I not trying right now? Is writing this 30 days of closure not trying hard enough? I have searched every possible way to try, but I am running out of options. There's nothing wrong with you now. There's something wrong with me. The only thing you're guilty of is messing me up so bad then leaving me to fix myself all alone. I should have been fixed months ago, but apparently it's going to take longer than the usual.

You are my first, real love. You are the first person I have built my dreams with and climbed the stairs with to reach it one by one. You are the first person who I have seen myself with for a very long time, even stretching out to my dying age. You are the first person I have introduced to my family, and mingled with all of my friends. You are the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You are the ONLY person I was this scared to lose.

You are also the same person who has broken my heart and made it stop beating up until now.

I still don't know where to go from here. I must admit, I do not know how to love anymore. You have taken with you my ability to give love and to receive love. I want to be able to do that again, one day. I want to be able to feel love again. I want to be able to say that I AM loved and that I can love.

I have to try. I have to freaking try.

30 days.

30 days to closure.

Stress test.

I.. miss.. you.

Hindi parin ako makapaniwala hanggang ngayon na bumalik ka sakanya.

I mean, seriously? I thought you knew better.

All alone.

Before, when I had no one else in the world, I was sure that I have you.

But now, I do not have you. And i do not have anyone else in the world.

It kind of hurts TOO bad.

It's a sunny day but you're not around.

For some odd reason, I've been wanting to say this for the longest time.

Love is a freaking fallacy.

Gusto niyo ba malaman kung gano kasakit?

SOBRA. Para akong nawalan ng puso.

Shit. Kaya akong magbirthday eh.

Ruse.

I am tired. I am so fucking tired.

I hate that my birthday is coming up. I hate it. This year is definitely not a good year to celebrate my birthday. I didn't know that I was supposed to be scared to celebrate my birthday alone. I never thought it would happen again. I thought that birthdays, christmases, seventeens, new years, valentines and whatnots are to be spent with you. But no. I didn't even prepare myself for this time to come. You know what hurts the most? It's that I know that you won't greet me on my birthday. But somehow, I'm still hopeful you would. Even if i'm a 100% sure that you wouldn't. SHIT. Shit. Shit.

I cannot.. CANNOT.. believe that it's her again. I told you before I stopped talking to you that I'd be happy if you pick the new girl, not her. Because I know how much she's hurt you. And how much she's hurt me. But no. You're smart enough to go back to her and fall in love with her. I just.. i really can't believe it. I am disappointed in you. So, greatly disappointed.

Everything is just so fucked up right now.

The one bad thing that I got over this breakup: I don't know how to write anymore.

It's like what I said in my other blog: All these words have no meaning when I have no love.

Crap.

I really, really don't want the 23rd to come.

Can't we postpone birthdays?:(

I know why my birthday will suck.

BECAUSE..

you're not there to celebrate it with me.

This is my first birthday without you after 2 years. How overwhelmingly painful.

I hate that I am smitten over you.

In other news, distance is a good thing. Right? I cannot (emphasize cannot) like you.

Let's stop pretending.

Just when i thought i was over you.

Just when i thought i could stand on my own.

Oh baby these memories come crashing through.

And i just can't go on without you.

I don't think anyone understands.

Why i hurt this much.

Do they know how much I begged for you? For you to come back? Do they know how much you treated me like dirt? Like trash? Like something you could just kick around? Do they know how much you made me feel that you never loved me at all? How you never promised me forever? Do they know how I cried for you? How I shed unending tears every single time we talked? Do they know how you were so apathetic? So cold and so.. distant?

No, they don't know. That's why they'll never understand how much i still hurt.

When I'm alone, all your words replay in my head like a used mixtape. It just goes on over and over and when it does, I feel like my heart cracks open and explodes. It doesn't hurt to hear the words, it hurts to realize how you said those words. You really meant it. You made me suffer every single word that came out your mouth. You cared less with the my heart, or with me. You told me off like I had some contagious disease. You broke my heart over and over and over again but in the end, you still managed to asked if we could be friends.

I hurt because you were never sorry for hurting me. You were never sorry for leaving me. You were never sorry for breaking me and emptying me up to the last drop. I hurt not only because you left no love, but you also took whatever love that I have in my heart with you. You took my love, my heart, my soul.. you took me all with you. And now I am empty.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's been 4 months since we broke up. You're fine. You're okay. You have a life now. A life without me.

Maybe.. just maybe.. I'll feel this way for the rest of my life.

It hurts to feel this way.

I have got to stop creating these illusions in my head. This is what's going to kill me. It's bad enough that I'm still hung up on you. But to actually fantasize about us getting back together makes it worse.

I hate that I come up with a million strategies all over my head but know in my heart that this will never get you back. I have to live with the fact that this is the end of us, and that you have chosen to live as if i have never existed. I just want to stop pretending that all is fine and that I can go on without you because the truth is, I really can't. I can't before, I can't now and I never can go on without you.

It sucks that you are the first person I have loved this much, that I have love LOVED. It just hit me yesterday that no relationship that I have been with could ever amount to what we shared. It didn't matter that my first relationship lasted for 5 years on and off, the two that we had made it seem that I shared a lifetime with you. How can someone recover from forever? Where does one begin in letting go a lifetime's worth of memories and actually live to be okay? I really would like to know.

I am pathetic. I am worse than broken, I am empty.

I don't care if you don't care. I don't care if you're together now. I don't care if you have completely banished me from your life. I don't care if you have completely hated me with all your guts. I just don't care.

I love you, bu. I always have, and I always will.

I wish you well.

Sucks to be me.

I miss you.

I miss loving you.

How pathetic can I be?

It also kinda makes me sad that this will be my last interaction with you. It was fun while it lasted. You helped a lot in distracting my mind from my heartache. Still, having this end contributed to a new, tiny pinch in my heart.

Baby come back.

You still haunt me in my dreams.

I remember how this happened a few weeks after our breakup. I always dream about you. I always see you. The dream would always be about you coming back to me. No matter what blocked our way, you always found a way back.

For the past two days, I dreamed about you again. Only this time, the opposite happened. You pushed me away. You ignored me and moved on with your life. The dream made my heart bleed so bad, the pain went back.

I miss you, most dearly. I know its wrong. And i know that you don't even think about me anymore. You have completely cut me out of your life and I should get used to the fact. Still, it doesn't change a thing. I still love you. My heart still belongs to you.

I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of fooling myself. It is still you.

I don't know but maybe.. maybe it will always be you.

Can you really ever forgive, if you can't forget?

I think I was better off when I was alone and sad inside my bedroom every night for the past year and a half.

There's just too much drama. This is what happens when you try to be the good one. You stay in the middle and you end up with the most baggage to carry. I just hate how forming and keeping friendships became this complicated. Why can't this be just like preschool? Sharing crayons and taking turns in the slide are much easier than solving issues and deciding your next move.

I'm just really, really disappointed. People can be really childish sometimes, can't they? Why can't they just "man up" and face the problem? Oh, how the internet can be such a catalyst for fights.

I am the kind of person who HATES having an enemy. It forms a ball in my stomach and makes me anxious all the time. I have never been in a fight with a person for far too long. I may have a mountain-high pride, but I also swallow it like a pill when it has gone too far.

I'll just shut up. I will, i will.

Back to the bedroom for me again, I guess.

I'm.. what? Back?

Yes, I am starting to blog again.