Day 17.

I stopped. For 2 whole weeks, I stopped writing.

Because I do not know what to say anymore. I do not know what more I could possibly say to try to justify the pain of you leaving me. I am tired and I am done.

Yet somehow, I still am not tired of loving you.

I do not know now where to go from here. I am a lost cause. I have been fighting my head and my heart because I know I only want one place to go. I thought before, my reasoning could triumph my emotions. But I have no more reason and no more emotion. I am apathetic. Drained. Empty. I am lead on by nothing.

Yes, I know. I gave up on you. Do you want to know the reason? More than being tired of getting hurt, I gave up because I do not want to hurt you anymore. I know in my heart that I could take all the pain you give me. That if it were my way, I would sacrifice my happiness just to fight for you. But when I felt that it has caused you pain too, I stopped right there and then. I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't want to hurt you.

I made it clear that you live as though I never existed. Because I do not want to hurt you. Do you think that it's easy for me? Do you think that I want this? I have been struggling so hard just to stop myself from talking to you. I know that you do not care about me anymore. I know that. I just.. I just do not want to remind you of the pain I caused you when we were together.

I surrender. Okay? I surrender now to the fact that you're gone. You don't love me anymore. You don't care for me. And you don't look for me. I surrender to the fact that you love someone new. However, I will always know deep in my heart that the person who came after me will catch the pieces of a real, deep relationship. She could say that I was a rebound too. I, however, came after a fling. She came after an engagement. A "let's pick our future house-kids-kid's school" relationship. It was not just a simple fling. She came after eternity.

I miss you too much lately. Today was supposed to be our 27th month together. It seems that I dream about you when important events come up. I dreamed about you days before the anniversary of me coming back for you, days before our 27th month, days before my birthday came up. I dreamed about you for so many days that I anticipate it. I think about what I'll dream about you now. 2 days ago, I dreamed our highschool days together. Yesterday it was about you kissing her. My dreams have a current theme though: pain. I was never happy in any of my dreams. So it came to no surprise that my pillowcases are wet when I wake up in the morning.

I am not yet over you. But I am trying my best to pretend. I am trying my best to try. I do not know if this ever goes away. All that I know is I am trying.

You have this whole different world now. Everything is different, and it seems that you have completely gotten over me. You have this life that I could not recognize anymore. I see you in pictures and I could not recognize the person I am looking at. I want to say I wish you well. Yet, I am saying I wish you your heart's desires. Sometimes, what your heart wants is not what is well for you.

I wish that one day, when we see each other again in some distant future, you would feel that you made the right decision ending us. Because I am scared as shit knowing that I'll feel disappointed when I see you. Disappointed that we ended for the wrong reasons. And there's nothing we can do about it anymore.