Day 1.

I think this would be harder than i thought it would be.

Grabe, everything feels so connected to you. It seems like everything I glance at points to you, or something about you. I cannot escape you, even if I want to. It has been five freaking months and all I'm left with are anxiety attacks that remind me that you still make my heart skip a beat. Though this time, not in a good way.

I want to forget you, I really do. It's just that I don't know how. Please, do not start with telling me that I should try because believe me, I have tried so hard to forget you. In fact, it's the only thing I have tried so hard to do in five months. I tried to love someone else, I tried to entertain and date others, I even tried to convince myself that I am okay without you. But me trying is not good enough. It's not cutting it. Trying can only get me so far. But the farthest I have gone has not even helped a bit for me to get over you.

Am I not trying right now? Is writing this 30 days of closure not trying hard enough? I have searched every possible way to try, but I am running out of options. There's nothing wrong with you now. There's something wrong with me. The only thing you're guilty of is messing me up so bad then leaving me to fix myself all alone. I should have been fixed months ago, but apparently it's going to take longer than the usual.

You are my first, real love. You are the first person I have built my dreams with and climbed the stairs with to reach it one by one. You are the first person who I have seen myself with for a very long time, even stretching out to my dying age. You are the first person I have introduced to my family, and mingled with all of my friends. You are the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You are the ONLY person I was this scared to lose.

You are also the same person who has broken my heart and made it stop beating up until now.

I still don't know where to go from here. I must admit, I do not know how to love anymore. You have taken with you my ability to give love and to receive love. I want to be able to do that again, one day. I want to be able to feel love again. I want to be able to say that I AM loved and that I can love.

I have to try. I have to freaking try.