Vent.

I will vent. Because that's the only thing I can do right now.

I can cry, but I have done that in the earliest of mornings and in the latest of nights. I cry for the love lost, and for the decisions made, and for the sadness in the form of my life. I cry because there are days when you don't have anything more to say, and all the tears become the outlet you finally need. I cry because that was the only option I have.

I wonder when will this end. I, myself, am sick and tired of crying from you, suffering from you, hurting from you. I am tired of the pain, the disappointment, the surprises, the ruse, everything. It has exactly been 6 months. You have moved on, but I have not. I am here, everything is the same.

In all honesty, I say that I want you to come back. This, though, remains in my heart of hearts. I have the highest pride and I will not let her win. I will not let her feel superior of me. I will not let her feel that she has something that I want, even though it is true. What would hurt more from this joke of a situation is if she wins and I lose. You chose her, and by that it meant removing me from your life forever.

Forever. Wow. How.. distant has this word been from me recently. I do not speak of it. I do not think of it. I do not even want to hear it. For 2 years all we have been talking about is creating this life for us that we were so excited to live. All I heard from you was "I love you forever", "I want to be with you forever", "Marry me", "Stay with me forever". All our fights drowned in my ears whenever I heard the word forever. Who knew forever had an end?

My family loved you. So much that they made you family too. Even though papa was apprehensive and disapproving of us, he cared less when he saw me happy. Mama loved you. She talked to you on the phone, bought you things, showed up on the webcam, everything. I could not even start talking about how much Kuya and Igi loved you. Kuya talked to you when we fought, brought you home sometimes, brought you food when you were at home. Luigi talked to you on the phone, ate merienda with us, laughed with us, played with us. And all my relatives. They invited you to their birthday parties, talked to you when you were at home, treated you out when you were with me, bought you a birthday cake, said hi to you whenever they saw you. And Archie. Who texted you even after I left. Who always went out of his way for us. Who loved you like he loved me. And of course Christle, our baby. How could you leave a family who loved you so much? You were even welcome after I left. And how Yaya loved you that she taught your name to Christle even if we aren't together anymore. Yes, Christle still knows your name. Even better than mine.

This is what I cry about. More than the fact that you left me. More than the fact that I am alone. More than the fact that you're with her. I cry because you have become family. I cry because you have become the biggest part of my life. And with you gone, I have a few pieces to work with to make myself whole again.

I do not know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just trying to make sense of things that I know I can never understand.

I.. I love you, bu. So much more than anything.