Can I cry now?

It's crazy how I've been too indifferent on love. I talk about it and I see how completely different my views are compared to 7 months ago. Love became such an impossibility for me, something I cannot talk so passionately about.

Witnessing the breakup of my brother, I cannot help but feel two things. I felt relief and envy, contradicting each other so weirdly. I felt relief because somehow, I knew how breaking up feels and I knew that the worse was over for him. Relief for the quiet nights, more carefree days and silent in betweens to come. Envy because I saw how she fought for him, begged him to take her back and cried her eyes out. Envy because I was never fought for, begged for or cried for. Envy because I was the one who fought, begged and cried.

Giving advice to my brother was the most difficult part. Being impassive, the words that came out of my mouth were straight out harsh. I did not think twice in saying the worst things, subconsciously convincing myself that everyone deserves to go through what I've been through. I know, how awful. I want to take it back now that I've thought about it. I realize now how broken I am. I realize how much you've broken me.

I know that I don't deserve you.

Sometimes, I wonder if you think about me.

Because I think about you all the time.

I hope you don't assume that I've replaced you for another. All this time, it's been just you. No one knows it. No one sees it.

But me.

Sunday extravaganza.

I don't care if I'm jinxing it because i'm writing about it. I don't care if it was strictly platonic for you. I don't care if that will happen again in another lifetime. I don't care about anything at all.

You pulled through.

Hugging you for what seemed liked eternity was enough to make me forget. I love it :)

I wanna have groupies.

Why I am suddenly so interested in you again? Amp. I haaaaaaate these times.

There are days when I forget you exist, and I swear those are my better days. Like when I went to Knott's scary farm or when I shop, I forget about the past two years and I just feel so.. carefree. I just can't tell you how great it feels. Sometimes I wish I could just live like that. If there was selective amnesia, I would want to forget you. Yes, regret is bad and evil and mean and stupid and impossible. But regret is all I have for what had been.

Why regret? I don't know. I could feel thankful, or forgiving, or resolved. But I do not. Instead I feel like every single drop of love I have in my heart has been sucked up by a ginormous vacuum that left nothing. I cannot love, and I cannot receive love. It's like I have been walking the ends of the earth in a state that makes me naive with the world. Most days, I just try to get up from sun up to sun down. Believe me, it is not the easiest task in the world.

Regret because I have invested in so much, only to have walked away with less than nothing. Regret because I loved, believed, honored and held on with dear life, only to have found out that everything was a fallacy. Regret because I fought for you till the end, only to realize that never have you fought for me. Regret because I wanted you to be the person I would spend my life with, only to see that it was, and never will be, meant to be for us.

People say "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." This, I believe, is too much of optimism for people who have just lost their hearts. Bitter as it may sound, I don't think I can ever smile because it happenED. I would want to smile because it is happening. There's a big difference in being in the moment and seeing it as part of a distant past. How could you smile when you know that never will you wake up with that one person you have been with all those years?

You can love again, I know. Every kind of love is different. That's what you told me right? That every experience we have with love is as unique as our DNA. I am still debating whether you love more or less on your next experience. Are you brave enough to invest more or scared enough to play it safe? All I know is that there are the kinds of love that you can never forget. The kind of love that would become the standard you set for all the other relationships in the future. The kind of love you lost, and wish you'll always find again.

It is my personal choice not to love again so soon. I could if I wanted to. At first, it was all about the 3-month rule. Stupid as it may seem, I waited. I didn't know what I was waiting for, but I checked my phone, my mail, my IM and my website. Now, it's been 6 months. I am still choosing not to love again because I believe that my wounds are not yet healed. I am still hurt, apprehensive and skeptic about falling in love again. I'm okay with being alone, actually. I am not in a rush in falling in love again. Neither am I in the mood in getting my heart broken again. I believe that love will come at the right time, when I am healed and bright and shiny.

Anyway, this is too much of an entry already. I only wanted to figure out why I was so interested in finding things about you. Happy 28th monthsary, baby.

Ha-ha?

At least, sa pangit ka napunta.

Hef.

Sometimes I wish you knew that I still love you.

Not that it'll make a difference. Not that it'll make you come back.

I just want you to know, and feel, it.

Over.

Hindi parin ako makaget over, sorry.

2 years ago, I was sitting exactly where I was a while ago. We were texting and we were the happiest persons in the world. I was drinking my glass of coke when you told me you wanted to marry me. I was bragging to all my mom's friends how I was committed to someone and how I was so sure that this long distance relationship was not a wrong choice. I was happy. And it never slipped into my mind even for a second that I would be sitting again on that same chair 2 years later all alone.

I can't believe you chose her. It's as simple as that. You promised me, before we parted ways, that you would never choose her. You even told me, I'd go first in your list before she would. You just.. you sank too low. Sobrang baba mo na, hindi na kita maabot. Can't you live without a relationship? Na pumatol ka pa sakanya just to be loved? Wow. You epitomize the phrase "How low can you go?".

You don't make me sleep, damnit. I hate this. I think about you for a minute and then my whole world falls apart and I cannot fucking sleep.

Vent.

I will vent. Because that's the only thing I can do right now.

I can cry, but I have done that in the earliest of mornings and in the latest of nights. I cry for the love lost, and for the decisions made, and for the sadness in the form of my life. I cry because there are days when you don't have anything more to say, and all the tears become the outlet you finally need. I cry because that was the only option I have.

I wonder when will this end. I, myself, am sick and tired of crying from you, suffering from you, hurting from you. I am tired of the pain, the disappointment, the surprises, the ruse, everything. It has exactly been 6 months. You have moved on, but I have not. I am here, everything is the same.

In all honesty, I say that I want you to come back. This, though, remains in my heart of hearts. I have the highest pride and I will not let her win. I will not let her feel superior of me. I will not let her feel that she has something that I want, even though it is true. What would hurt more from this joke of a situation is if she wins and I lose. You chose her, and by that it meant removing me from your life forever.

Forever. Wow. How.. distant has this word been from me recently. I do not speak of it. I do not think of it. I do not even want to hear it. For 2 years all we have been talking about is creating this life for us that we were so excited to live. All I heard from you was "I love you forever", "I want to be with you forever", "Marry me", "Stay with me forever". All our fights drowned in my ears whenever I heard the word forever. Who knew forever had an end?

My family loved you. So much that they made you family too. Even though papa was apprehensive and disapproving of us, he cared less when he saw me happy. Mama loved you. She talked to you on the phone, bought you things, showed up on the webcam, everything. I could not even start talking about how much Kuya and Igi loved you. Kuya talked to you when we fought, brought you home sometimes, brought you food when you were at home. Luigi talked to you on the phone, ate merienda with us, laughed with us, played with us. And all my relatives. They invited you to their birthday parties, talked to you when you were at home, treated you out when you were with me, bought you a birthday cake, said hi to you whenever they saw you. And Archie. Who texted you even after I left. Who always went out of his way for us. Who loved you like he loved me. And of course Christle, our baby. How could you leave a family who loved you so much? You were even welcome after I left. And how Yaya loved you that she taught your name to Christle even if we aren't together anymore. Yes, Christle still knows your name. Even better than mine.

This is what I cry about. More than the fact that you left me. More than the fact that I am alone. More than the fact that you're with her. I cry because you have become family. I cry because you have become the biggest part of my life. And with you gone, I have a few pieces to work with to make myself whole again.

I do not know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just trying to make sense of things that I know I can never understand.

I.. I love you, bu. So much more than anything.