Ngayon ko lang narerealize how wrecked our relationship was even before we broke up.
It.. it really hurt reading all our messages sa YM. I cried while I read how we fought and fought and fought and broke up every single day. I have to admit that there were really a lot of painful things said and I don't know how we could ever take that back now. We were.. immature and stupid and we just wanted to hurt each other. It came to the point where I could not continue to read anymore. It was disgusting and I sincerely wished that those words never came out of my mouth.
Yet, this event also made me realize how you made the right decision about breaking up with me. You were strong enough to end it because you knew how damaging it already was to the both of us. I was blinded by my love for you that I could not see how worse we were because we keep on holding on. We would've never made it. I, in my heart of hearts, now believe that we would've never made it.
Knowing all of this, i still could not let go. I don't know why. And I don't know if I shouldn't. But i just couldn't let go.
I still love you. Despite everything that i said to you 6 months ago, I still love you with all of my heart.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Day 17.
I stopped. For 2 whole weeks, I stopped writing.
Because I do not know what to say anymore. I do not know what more I could possibly say to try to justify the pain of you leaving me. I am tired and I am done.
Yet somehow, I still am not tired of loving you.
I do not know now where to go from here. I am a lost cause. I have been fighting my head and my heart because I know I only want one place to go. I thought before, my reasoning could triumph my emotions. But I have no more reason and no more emotion. I am apathetic. Drained. Empty. I am lead on by nothing.
Yes, I know. I gave up on you. Do you want to know the reason? More than being tired of getting hurt, I gave up because I do not want to hurt you anymore. I know in my heart that I could take all the pain you give me. That if it were my way, I would sacrifice my happiness just to fight for you. But when I felt that it has caused you pain too, I stopped right there and then. I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't want to hurt you.
I made it clear that you live as though I never existed. Because I do not want to hurt you. Do you think that it's easy for me? Do you think that I want this? I have been struggling so hard just to stop myself from talking to you. I know that you do not care about me anymore. I know that. I just.. I just do not want to remind you of the pain I caused you when we were together.
I surrender. Okay? I surrender now to the fact that you're gone. You don't love me anymore. You don't care for me. And you don't look for me. I surrender to the fact that you love someone new. However, I will always know deep in my heart that the person who came after me will catch the pieces of a real, deep relationship. She could say that I was a rebound too. I, however, came after a fling. She came after an engagement. A "let's pick our future house-kids-kid's school" relationship. It was not just a simple fling. She came after eternity.
I miss you too much lately. Today was supposed to be our 27th month together. It seems that I dream about you when important events come up. I dreamed about you days before the anniversary of me coming back for you, days before our 27th month, days before my birthday came up. I dreamed about you for so many days that I anticipate it. I think about what I'll dream about you now. 2 days ago, I dreamed our highschool days together. Yesterday it was about you kissing her. My dreams have a current theme though: pain. I was never happy in any of my dreams. So it came to no surprise that my pillowcases are wet when I wake up in the morning.
I am not yet over you. But I am trying my best to pretend. I am trying my best to try. I do not know if this ever goes away. All that I know is I am trying.
You have this whole different world now. Everything is different, and it seems that you have completely gotten over me. You have this life that I could not recognize anymore. I see you in pictures and I could not recognize the person I am looking at. I want to say I wish you well. Yet, I am saying I wish you your heart's desires. Sometimes, what your heart wants is not what is well for you.
I wish that one day, when we see each other again in some distant future, you would feel that you made the right decision ending us. Because I am scared as shit knowing that I'll feel disappointed when I see you. Disappointed that we ended for the wrong reasons. And there's nothing we can do about it anymore.
Because I do not know what to say anymore. I do not know what more I could possibly say to try to justify the pain of you leaving me. I am tired and I am done.
Yet somehow, I still am not tired of loving you.
I do not know now where to go from here. I am a lost cause. I have been fighting my head and my heart because I know I only want one place to go. I thought before, my reasoning could triumph my emotions. But I have no more reason and no more emotion. I am apathetic. Drained. Empty. I am lead on by nothing.
Yes, I know. I gave up on you. Do you want to know the reason? More than being tired of getting hurt, I gave up because I do not want to hurt you anymore. I know in my heart that I could take all the pain you give me. That if it were my way, I would sacrifice my happiness just to fight for you. But when I felt that it has caused you pain too, I stopped right there and then. I didn't want to hurt you. I still don't want to hurt you.
I made it clear that you live as though I never existed. Because I do not want to hurt you. Do you think that it's easy for me? Do you think that I want this? I have been struggling so hard just to stop myself from talking to you. I know that you do not care about me anymore. I know that. I just.. I just do not want to remind you of the pain I caused you when we were together.
I surrender. Okay? I surrender now to the fact that you're gone. You don't love me anymore. You don't care for me. And you don't look for me. I surrender to the fact that you love someone new. However, I will always know deep in my heart that the person who came after me will catch the pieces of a real, deep relationship. She could say that I was a rebound too. I, however, came after a fling. She came after an engagement. A "let's pick our future house-kids-kid's school" relationship. It was not just a simple fling. She came after eternity.
I miss you too much lately. Today was supposed to be our 27th month together. It seems that I dream about you when important events come up. I dreamed about you days before the anniversary of me coming back for you, days before our 27th month, days before my birthday came up. I dreamed about you for so many days that I anticipate it. I think about what I'll dream about you now. 2 days ago, I dreamed our highschool days together. Yesterday it was about you kissing her. My dreams have a current theme though: pain. I was never happy in any of my dreams. So it came to no surprise that my pillowcases are wet when I wake up in the morning.
I am not yet over you. But I am trying my best to pretend. I am trying my best to try. I do not know if this ever goes away. All that I know is I am trying.
You have this whole different world now. Everything is different, and it seems that you have completely gotten over me. You have this life that I could not recognize anymore. I see you in pictures and I could not recognize the person I am looking at. I want to say I wish you well. Yet, I am saying I wish you your heart's desires. Sometimes, what your heart wants is not what is well for you.
I wish that one day, when we see each other again in some distant future, you would feel that you made the right decision ending us. Because I am scared as shit knowing that I'll feel disappointed when I see you. Disappointed that we ended for the wrong reasons. And there's nothing we can do about it anymore.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Day 3.
Damn it. I fell asleep through Day 3.
Mother Nature has decided to conspire against me today and showcased a marathon of the movies that we have watched together. 2 out of 4. So 50%, right? Anyway, it took me a little while to realize the first movie I was watching. I hate that the memory of us has become a distant part of my past now. Yet, somehow, the pain still manages to creep its way up so strongly into my heart.
I remember watching movies with you. You would usually hold my hand all throughout the movie and kiss it occasionally. When I was cold, you'd hug me or pull me near you so that you could put your arm around my shoulder. We occasionally stole kisses and focused more on each other rather than the movie. We would always whisper those mushy lines to each other or have sudden impulses of whispering 'I love you' to our ears then kissing right after. After the movie, I could not remember the plot, nor the characters. I could only remember the best time of my life because I was watching it with you.
The first time you told me you were watching a movie with her, I was wretched. I don't know why but I feel that movie houses were aphrodisiacs that people go into when they wanted to make out. It took me forever to calm myself by saying that we're not together anymore and that I didn't have the right anymore to stop you from anything. But it was heart-wrenching. It was too painful to breathe while I knew you were inside the movie house. I wanted my heart to just stop for the hour and a half that you were beside her in the dark. I just.. my imagination went wild for that hour and a half. Up until now, the images are so vivid in my head that I well up just thinking about it.
I don't know a lot about what used to be for us anymore. But when it comes to pain, I feel like I can describe it so concretely that it was as if the wound was still so fresh. That is how much you've put me through. Every curse towards me, every hurtful word, every single time you said you don't love me anymore, my heart stopped. You dried up my heart so bad that when I left to mend, I do not know where to start anymore. I am so traumatized and so scared to love again because you had me see that even those people who love each other the most can learn to hurt each other in the worst possible way that they can. This is all your fault. Thanks to you, I did not want to love again. Even if there was the potential for me to love, I chose not to. I let it go. Because I am not yet done with hurting from you. And I am so freaking scared to add pain from the hurt I am feeling now.
PS. Every time I watch a movie, I try my best to sit at the end of the row. Just because there are times when I still imagine you beside me, holding my hand.
Mother Nature has decided to conspire against me today and showcased a marathon of the movies that we have watched together. 2 out of 4. So 50%, right? Anyway, it took me a little while to realize the first movie I was watching. I hate that the memory of us has become a distant part of my past now. Yet, somehow, the pain still manages to creep its way up so strongly into my heart.
I remember watching movies with you. You would usually hold my hand all throughout the movie and kiss it occasionally. When I was cold, you'd hug me or pull me near you so that you could put your arm around my shoulder. We occasionally stole kisses and focused more on each other rather than the movie. We would always whisper those mushy lines to each other or have sudden impulses of whispering 'I love you' to our ears then kissing right after. After the movie, I could not remember the plot, nor the characters. I could only remember the best time of my life because I was watching it with you.
The first time you told me you were watching a movie with her, I was wretched. I don't know why but I feel that movie houses were aphrodisiacs that people go into when they wanted to make out. It took me forever to calm myself by saying that we're not together anymore and that I didn't have the right anymore to stop you from anything. But it was heart-wrenching. It was too painful to breathe while I knew you were inside the movie house. I wanted my heart to just stop for the hour and a half that you were beside her in the dark. I just.. my imagination went wild for that hour and a half. Up until now, the images are so vivid in my head that I well up just thinking about it.
I don't know a lot about what used to be for us anymore. But when it comes to pain, I feel like I can describe it so concretely that it was as if the wound was still so fresh. That is how much you've put me through. Every curse towards me, every hurtful word, every single time you said you don't love me anymore, my heart stopped. You dried up my heart so bad that when I left to mend, I do not know where to start anymore. I am so traumatized and so scared to love again because you had me see that even those people who love each other the most can learn to hurt each other in the worst possible way that they can. This is all your fault. Thanks to you, I did not want to love again. Even if there was the potential for me to love, I chose not to. I let it go. Because I am not yet done with hurting from you. And I am so freaking scared to add pain from the hurt I am feeling now.
PS. Every time I watch a movie, I try my best to sit at the end of the row. Just because there are times when I still imagine you beside me, holding my hand.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Day 2.
I have a million things to do but I'm not rushing. Why have i been this lazy?
This is what I hate the most. Dreaming of you. Dreaming about you. I hate it because I have no control of it. Do you know that I have not seen your face ever since we broke up? Not while I'm awake, at least. I have not visited your multiply, nor your friends' multiply, because I am so scared to fall in love with you all over again if I see you. But sometimes when I sleep, your beautiful face haunts me as you talk to me, or pass by me, or just show up in my face and shatter my world once agan. As Blink 182 sang, you have become "the angel from my nightmare". I do not want to see you in my dreams yet you have never failed to glow and stand out in every scene you are in. Sometimes, you ask me back. Sometimes, you push me farther away. But it didn't matter. Just seeing you makes me wake up crying and hurting again.
The wierdest thing, though, is that you have never been another character in my dreams. It was always between the two: the one that I love or the one that left me. You have never been a friend, or a classmate, or a sibling, or an enemy. Just that. Most of the time, you are the one that left me. The words we exchanged in our conversations replay in my dreams over and over and over again, I could almost memorize it. It just gets so unfair, you know? It seems I cannot really escape you. Not even in fantasyland.
If only I could not sleep so I could not dream of you. Yes, it's that bad.
This is what I hate the most. Dreaming of you. Dreaming about you. I hate it because I have no control of it. Do you know that I have not seen your face ever since we broke up? Not while I'm awake, at least. I have not visited your multiply, nor your friends' multiply, because I am so scared to fall in love with you all over again if I see you. But sometimes when I sleep, your beautiful face haunts me as you talk to me, or pass by me, or just show up in my face and shatter my world once agan. As Blink 182 sang, you have become "the angel from my nightmare". I do not want to see you in my dreams yet you have never failed to glow and stand out in every scene you are in. Sometimes, you ask me back. Sometimes, you push me farther away. But it didn't matter. Just seeing you makes me wake up crying and hurting again.
The wierdest thing, though, is that you have never been another character in my dreams. It was always between the two: the one that I love or the one that left me. You have never been a friend, or a classmate, or a sibling, or an enemy. Just that. Most of the time, you are the one that left me. The words we exchanged in our conversations replay in my dreams over and over and over again, I could almost memorize it. It just gets so unfair, you know? It seems I cannot really escape you. Not even in fantasyland.
If only I could not sleep so I could not dream of you. Yes, it's that bad.
My psychology teacher said that dreams are an interpretation of our unwanted desires. Am I fooling myself of this closure because my real desire is you? I don't know.
I wish there'd come a time where you'd be my friend in my dreams. Maybe that would signal my getting over you.
Day 1.
I think this would be harder than i thought it would be.
Grabe, everything feels so connected to you. It seems like everything I glance at points to you, or something about you. I cannot escape you, even if I want to. It has been five freaking months and all I'm left with are anxiety attacks that remind me that you still make my heart skip a beat. Though this time, not in a good way.
I want to forget you, I really do. It's just that I don't know how. Please, do not start with telling me that I should try because believe me, I have tried so hard to forget you. In fact, it's the only thing I have tried so hard to do in five months. I tried to love someone else, I tried to entertain and date others, I even tried to convince myself that I am okay without you. But me trying is not good enough. It's not cutting it. Trying can only get me so far. But the farthest I have gone has not even helped a bit for me to get over you.
Am I not trying right now? Is writing this 30 days of closure not trying hard enough? I have searched every possible way to try, but I am running out of options. There's nothing wrong with you now. There's something wrong with me. The only thing you're guilty of is messing me up so bad then leaving me to fix myself all alone. I should have been fixed months ago, but apparently it's going to take longer than the usual.
You are my first, real love. You are the first person I have built my dreams with and climbed the stairs with to reach it one by one. You are the first person who I have seen myself with for a very long time, even stretching out to my dying age. You are the first person I have introduced to my family, and mingled with all of my friends. You are the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You are the ONLY person I was this scared to lose.
You are also the same person who has broken my heart and made it stop beating up until now.
I still don't know where to go from here. I must admit, I do not know how to love anymore. You have taken with you my ability to give love and to receive love. I want to be able to do that again, one day. I want to be able to feel love again. I want to be able to say that I AM loved and that I can love.
I have to try. I have to freaking try.
Grabe, everything feels so connected to you. It seems like everything I glance at points to you, or something about you. I cannot escape you, even if I want to. It has been five freaking months and all I'm left with are anxiety attacks that remind me that you still make my heart skip a beat. Though this time, not in a good way.
I want to forget you, I really do. It's just that I don't know how. Please, do not start with telling me that I should try because believe me, I have tried so hard to forget you. In fact, it's the only thing I have tried so hard to do in five months. I tried to love someone else, I tried to entertain and date others, I even tried to convince myself that I am okay without you. But me trying is not good enough. It's not cutting it. Trying can only get me so far. But the farthest I have gone has not even helped a bit for me to get over you.
Am I not trying right now? Is writing this 30 days of closure not trying hard enough? I have searched every possible way to try, but I am running out of options. There's nothing wrong with you now. There's something wrong with me. The only thing you're guilty of is messing me up so bad then leaving me to fix myself all alone. I should have been fixed months ago, but apparently it's going to take longer than the usual.
You are my first, real love. You are the first person I have built my dreams with and climbed the stairs with to reach it one by one. You are the first person who I have seen myself with for a very long time, even stretching out to my dying age. You are the first person I have introduced to my family, and mingled with all of my friends. You are the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You are the ONLY person I was this scared to lose.
You are also the same person who has broken my heart and made it stop beating up until now.
I still don't know where to go from here. I must admit, I do not know how to love anymore. You have taken with you my ability to give love and to receive love. I want to be able to do that again, one day. I want to be able to feel love again. I want to be able to say that I AM loved and that I can love.
I have to try. I have to freaking try.
Monday, September 1, 2008
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