Stress test.

I.. miss.. you.

Hindi parin ako makapaniwala hanggang ngayon na bumalik ka sakanya.

I mean, seriously? I thought you knew better.

All alone.

Before, when I had no one else in the world, I was sure that I have you.

But now, I do not have you. And i do not have anyone else in the world.

It kind of hurts TOO bad.

It's a sunny day but you're not around.

For some odd reason, I've been wanting to say this for the longest time.

Love is a freaking fallacy.

Gusto niyo ba malaman kung gano kasakit?

SOBRA. Para akong nawalan ng puso.

Shit. Kaya akong magbirthday eh.

Ruse.

I am tired. I am so fucking tired.

I hate that my birthday is coming up. I hate it. This year is definitely not a good year to celebrate my birthday. I didn't know that I was supposed to be scared to celebrate my birthday alone. I never thought it would happen again. I thought that birthdays, christmases, seventeens, new years, valentines and whatnots are to be spent with you. But no. I didn't even prepare myself for this time to come. You know what hurts the most? It's that I know that you won't greet me on my birthday. But somehow, I'm still hopeful you would. Even if i'm a 100% sure that you wouldn't. SHIT. Shit. Shit.

I cannot.. CANNOT.. believe that it's her again. I told you before I stopped talking to you that I'd be happy if you pick the new girl, not her. Because I know how much she's hurt you. And how much she's hurt me. But no. You're smart enough to go back to her and fall in love with her. I just.. i really can't believe it. I am disappointed in you. So, greatly disappointed.

Everything is just so fucked up right now.

The one bad thing that I got over this breakup: I don't know how to write anymore.

It's like what I said in my other blog: All these words have no meaning when I have no love.

Crap.

I really, really don't want the 23rd to come.

Can't we postpone birthdays?:(

I know why my birthday will suck.

BECAUSE..

you're not there to celebrate it with me.

This is my first birthday without you after 2 years. How overwhelmingly painful.

I hate that I am smitten over you.

In other news, distance is a good thing. Right? I cannot (emphasize cannot) like you.

Let's stop pretending.

Just when i thought i was over you.

Just when i thought i could stand on my own.

Oh baby these memories come crashing through.

And i just can't go on without you.

I don't think anyone understands.

Why i hurt this much.

Do they know how much I begged for you? For you to come back? Do they know how much you treated me like dirt? Like trash? Like something you could just kick around? Do they know how much you made me feel that you never loved me at all? How you never promised me forever? Do they know how I cried for you? How I shed unending tears every single time we talked? Do they know how you were so apathetic? So cold and so.. distant?

No, they don't know. That's why they'll never understand how much i still hurt.

When I'm alone, all your words replay in my head like a used mixtape. It just goes on over and over and when it does, I feel like my heart cracks open and explodes. It doesn't hurt to hear the words, it hurts to realize how you said those words. You really meant it. You made me suffer every single word that came out your mouth. You cared less with the my heart, or with me. You told me off like I had some contagious disease. You broke my heart over and over and over again but in the end, you still managed to asked if we could be friends.

I hurt because you were never sorry for hurting me. You were never sorry for leaving me. You were never sorry for breaking me and emptying me up to the last drop. I hurt not only because you left no love, but you also took whatever love that I have in my heart with you. You took my love, my heart, my soul.. you took me all with you. And now I am empty.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's been 4 months since we broke up. You're fine. You're okay. You have a life now. A life without me.

Maybe.. just maybe.. I'll feel this way for the rest of my life.

It hurts to feel this way.

I have got to stop creating these illusions in my head. This is what's going to kill me. It's bad enough that I'm still hung up on you. But to actually fantasize about us getting back together makes it worse.

I hate that I come up with a million strategies all over my head but know in my heart that this will never get you back. I have to live with the fact that this is the end of us, and that you have chosen to live as if i have never existed. I just want to stop pretending that all is fine and that I can go on without you because the truth is, I really can't. I can't before, I can't now and I never can go on without you.

It sucks that you are the first person I have loved this much, that I have love LOVED. It just hit me yesterday that no relationship that I have been with could ever amount to what we shared. It didn't matter that my first relationship lasted for 5 years on and off, the two that we had made it seem that I shared a lifetime with you. How can someone recover from forever? Where does one begin in letting go a lifetime's worth of memories and actually live to be okay? I really would like to know.

I am pathetic. I am worse than broken, I am empty.

I don't care if you don't care. I don't care if you're together now. I don't care if you have completely banished me from your life. I don't care if you have completely hated me with all your guts. I just don't care.

I love you, bu. I always have, and I always will.

I wish you well.

Sucks to be me.

I miss you.

I miss loving you.

How pathetic can I be?

It also kinda makes me sad that this will be my last interaction with you. It was fun while it lasted. You helped a lot in distracting my mind from my heartache. Still, having this end contributed to a new, tiny pinch in my heart.

Baby come back.

You still haunt me in my dreams.

I remember how this happened a few weeks after our breakup. I always dream about you. I always see you. The dream would always be about you coming back to me. No matter what blocked our way, you always found a way back.

For the past two days, I dreamed about you again. Only this time, the opposite happened. You pushed me away. You ignored me and moved on with your life. The dream made my heart bleed so bad, the pain went back.

I miss you, most dearly. I know its wrong. And i know that you don't even think about me anymore. You have completely cut me out of your life and I should get used to the fact. Still, it doesn't change a thing. I still love you. My heart still belongs to you.

I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of fooling myself. It is still you.

I don't know but maybe.. maybe it will always be you.

Can you really ever forgive, if you can't forget?

I think I was better off when I was alone and sad inside my bedroom every night for the past year and a half.

There's just too much drama. This is what happens when you try to be the good one. You stay in the middle and you end up with the most baggage to carry. I just hate how forming and keeping friendships became this complicated. Why can't this be just like preschool? Sharing crayons and taking turns in the slide are much easier than solving issues and deciding your next move.

I'm just really, really disappointed. People can be really childish sometimes, can't they? Why can't they just "man up" and face the problem? Oh, how the internet can be such a catalyst for fights.

I am the kind of person who HATES having an enemy. It forms a ball in my stomach and makes me anxious all the time. I have never been in a fight with a person for far too long. I may have a mountain-high pride, but I also swallow it like a pill when it has gone too far.

I'll just shut up. I will, i will.

Back to the bedroom for me again, I guess.